How can I Love You If You Never Leave?!

Blackbird and Miz S have posts today (sort of) about kids leaving the nest. It seems so far away for us to even think about, but it's definitely a goal to aspire towards. (I know that sentence has funky structure. I am in too much of a hurry to fix it)

So many of my friends have children who have left for college already. Some of the parents are dancing in delight, some are dealing with empty-nest depression. I expected to hear these stories.

But the stories that are astonishing me are the more and more often told tales of children who return home after college and finding suitable employment; they simply cannot afford themselves! The ruse is "It's just for a coupla months until I pay off some bills... " But the bills remain unpaid, the spending continues and the return to Take Care Of Me behavior escalates.

I was slack-jawed in amazement when one of my friends confided to me that she is cooking, cleaning, running errands and doing laundry FOR her son again. HUH?! What do you mean - like he's a pre-teen?! And he bought a sports car! I asked her what she is going to do. Her reply? "What CAN I do?"

You can kick his butt out the door, Mom. You can give him a 2-week deadline and tell him you're changing the locks! Believe me, he'll figure it out. Fast.

Most of my contemporaries could not have fathomed going back to live with their parents. Some had to - abusive marriages, illness, etc. But for those of us with any other option, living again with the parents was tantamount to DEATH! You. Just. Did. Not. Consider. It. Tattoo "LOSER!" on your forehead and move back in? No Way, Never. You'd borrow money from a loan shark before you approached your parents house, suitcase in hand.

But today? It's common. No big deal. My friends figure "Hey, what the heck! We have this big house; we travel alot so it's great to have the house occupied in our absence; it won't be forever' etc etc. But once in, I've yet to see many of those kids ever leave. Oh wait; some leave - if the parents set them up in a house!

I was talking to a neighbor with teenagers about this today. We live in an affuent area. For homecoming this weekend, the 'normal' date was dinner at a high-end place like Benihana's or a steakhouse, then the party, then an after-party fee venue that was pretty expensive. These kids drive BMW's, $40k Mustangs, expensive SUVs and wear designer labels. They vacation in Europe, on cruises, and villas in Mexico. They live in houses with gourmet kitchens, media rooms, luxurious private baths and plenty of hired help. There are visiting pilates coaches, massage therapists, psychotherapists and tutors. I don't know if the children avail themselves of all the services, but there is a lifestyle expectation created by such a high level of personal service. Our local Starbucks has lines out the door of mostly high schoolers.

The children think this is 'normal' life. That everyone lives this way. Always. There is no 'working one's way up'.

So, what's the secret to raising children who can be successful leaving the nest? Living with little, being happy with the struggle? I truly believe our neighborhood is full of parents who are raising children with completely unrealistic expectations of Life. Who've never known the joy of working for something, earning something. And it's not just this 'hood. It's rife among my friends around the US -- everyone wants their kid to have every advantage. And no 'suffering' or hard times.

This is scary. The US is heading for Big Trouble if this is who's going to be at the reins one day.

Birthdate

Your Birthdate: October 7

You are an island. You don't need anyone else to make you happy. And though you see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you. Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights. You also tend to be psychic - so listen to that inner voice! Your strength: Your self sufficiency Your weakness: You despise authority Your power color: Maroon Your power symbol: Hammer Your power month: July

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

1/4 Brazilian. A Play in One Scene

Scene: Tonight, in the Guest Room, doing a 'Family Read'
Players: The Mom, Parker and Ryan

Much trotting back and forth of two little boys, anxious to get 'just the right books' for their nightly read. Usually it's Daddy who does the 'family read', but dear old Daddy is out of town. So, they settle for Mom, who doesn't read nearly as many books; and who boots everyout OUT of the guest room to their own rooms, with barely a five-minute rocking session apiece. Daddy falls asleep in the guest room with the boys, and they occasionally end up sleeping 3-in-a-bed-Irish all night.

Did I mention I love this Daddy all the more for this very thing? This falling asleep with his sons? It is so sweet and dear.

But back to tonight.

Ryan trots back to his room One. More. Time. Comes bursting back into the guest room with his baby quilt and lovey. He flops back on the bed, and with much fussing and adjusting, tries to get his blankie just right. Mom jiggles around a bit, trying to make room for him. Parker starts to flop around a bit, rooting around for a more comfy spot. His book flops back to the headboard, and the mom reaches up to bring it back down. At the same moment, Ryan reaches down with a Large Paw and gives his blankie a Mighty Jerk to cover himself, for once and for all. Except Ryan didn't grab his blankie. He grabbed mommy's nightie and an excrutiating handful of pubic hair!

Mom lets out a blood curdling howl. Tears spring to her eyes. The boys start to shriek in terror and concern.

Parker yells "Ryan! You HURT Mommy! What DID YOU DO?! Oh Mommy! Should I get Mr. Chilly?" (The iced gel pack)

The Mom is grabbing her crotch, and sitting up, quite sick to her stomach and afraid to look.

Ryan says "I think I hurt Mommy's Penis."

With that, the Mom and Parker roar with laughter. The Mom says "I'm Fine! Let's read!"

and Wise Old Parker says, very quietly "I know you don't have a penis, Mom. You have angina. You better tell Ryan pretty soon..."

Fade to black with the mom laughing herself into a coughing fit.

This Past Weekend in Photos:

We have a Purple Belt in residence. Doesn't this give a glimpse into the boy as an Older Person?! He's barely six. He looks like a sweet old Chinese man!

The testing group. All colors of belts. The black belts have the black neck bands. Parker is in the bottom row, 2nd from left. Master Kim, his instructor, is kneeling in the bottom row, far right. He is an incredible teacher.

Ryan showing off the favorite cookie he decorated. They made the dough, too. The cookies are a bit - ah - tough!

Parker is the Star of the Week. He gets to put up photos and non-toy memorabilia on the board. He chose alot of Korean items. He also wanted to put up a photo of his Foster mother, but I told him the photo was too precious (The true reason is I don't want him inundated with adoption questions that he hasn't asked yet.) Note the BunSter up there. He also wanted to put up a photo of the dead dog. I said "Oh, I didn't know you liked that old dog." Parker said "I didn't like him. At all." So I said "How about a photo of your costume instead?" That was Most Acceptable.

Parker with his favorite cookie. They spent an hour decorating these things! They had such a great time. I get a bit pissy with them during the process, but then tell myself "Oh for gosh sake! Get a Grip!" and settle down. I need to remember to get out ingredients FIRST, then invite the children over. They keep running over my toes with their chairs, playing in the dry ingredients, cracking eggs too soon, etc. You know, being Children!

Oh my God. More school violence.

A child has lost her life in a close-knit mountain community high school. A gunman took 6 children hostage, released 4, broke off negotiations, then shot one of the remaining female hostages when the police stormed the school.
Too horrible to imagine.
The worst thing that is supposed to happen at school is bullying.
What is going on in this World?
Hug your children extra today.

Friday Five, a wee bit late

All that was left of Kim's (All Consuming) roasted tomatoes recipe a half hour after it came out of oven. We eventually resorted to eating it straight out of the pan.

The Hair, with a Level 1 rinse on it. It was like painting slippery, gooey shoe polish - I would not recommend this coloring product. And it only last 6-12 shampoos! I found a Level 2 rinse (Clairol Natural Instincts) that I will try next. I figure about 3-4 more inches and then SHORT HAIR! YAHOO! This Hair is clogging up our appliances, vacuums, drains. I have to cut it off the beater bars of the Dyson every time I use it. In fact; check your beater bar. Cut strings and hair off - you will be amazed at how well your vacuum works again.

Kim of All Consuming posted this recipe. It. Is. Luscious. And I will definitely make at least a double batch next time.

The last of the vegetables from our garden. We still have some tomatoes, but that's about it. Plus, it's going to freeze this week. We have a bit of work to do to put the garden to bed. It was a great success and we'll do it again next year.

The menfolk putting together my purchase of yesterday - a carpet steamer. This carpeting is 5 years old now, and is getting worn. There are pretty bad traffic patterns in it that are just now showing up (from being a model home). I don't want to spend the $ anymore to have it professionally done. But what an exhausting process! I only got the family room area rug, the living room and the stairs done yesterday so I obviously need to develop a better system.

ARGH! What's Your Pirate name?

My pirate name is:

Captain Jenny Kidd

Even though there's no legal rank on a pirate ship, everyone recognizes you're the one in charge. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

Photos! New Haircuts and Lounging Around...

Lounging, sick, in the master bedroom. Where Parker also slept alone for half of the night. The other half? He was up and complaining, poor thing. He got a bad cold in the middle of the night. We had musical beds. Ken ended up sleeping in Parker's bed, feet hanging off. Ryan got a great night's sleep, however.

This is Parker's idea of lounging. He broke into full Tae Kwon Do routine a second later. Leaping and kicking and then falling over dead when Ryan said "GOTCHA" Isn't he a good older brother?! (Note educational Sponge Bob on TV. You betcha!)

Ryan, sporting a new haircut.

Parker's new haircut, side view. His hair is about 1" all over. Sleek, smooth, on his nice little noggin.

Another view of Ryan's haircut. Please note the size of this child's head! Chinese people are always rubbing his head, saying "Smart Boy!"

Friday Five: Faces, Costumes, Vegetables!

Parker, first day of school. This is a phony smile, the child is scared shitless.

Ryan's tooth in the Tooth Fairy Box. Chosen by Parker, who was convinced HE was going to lose a tooth first, even though Ryan had one hanging by the proverbial thread. The box was, of course, used by Ryan first. But Parker found the money first!

Parker's Star Wars' Costume! Note the light saber being brandished about right in front of my eyes. It barely missed my nose.

Tomatoes, oh lovely tomatoes. How I have loved thee!

Gap-toothed Ryan, in his CARS costume, with his Star Wars light saber. "It's my Star Wars CARS Costume, Mommy!" And that it is.

My Friday Five, suggested by Loretta or somebody many moons ago.

I can post AnyThing. This site is private!

It just occurred to me, emailing someone just now, that I can post
Any
Darn
Thing
I
Want.

This site is by invitation only. If you are here, you are wanted. Not a GODDAM old boyfriend, who needs to grow up and get a life.

So, No more 'My K, Oldest and Youngest'

We are:
Myself, (no mention of my first name on this site)
Ken
Parker (6)
Ryan (5)

We live in a beautiful area in Colorado, South of Boulder, Northwest of Denver, nestled in the windy old foothills. Those craggy reddish mountains directly West of our home? They are the Flat irons. (purposely mispelled to evade pesky web searches)

Our address is in a small town. Until this development was built, the little town was nestled along Rock Creek, and boasted 200 houses, stores and businesses. It was NOT charming. Blighted, more like it.

Now picture Irvine, California. Yes! Take away a hundred fifty thousand or so people, and all the humidity, and you have our Perfect Little Development. We have one of the few racially-mixed populaces in the entire state of Colorado (that isn't Chicano). Said mix being Asian - engineers from China, Korea, Japan, India, Pakistan, Russia, and many more Points East. There are lots of people from lots of places here. We have burkah-wearers, sari-wearers, scarf wearers and baby wearers. We have 2 "Jacob has Two Mommies" kids in our sons' classes. In EACH of our sons' classes. We have women who MUST be accompanied by a male relative to drop off their children at school. We have more than one parent who is on the phone or laptop the entire time they are dropping off their children, racing around like mad dogs trying to get better reception in this hilly community. Most parents walk their kindergarteners to class and home, pushing tone-y strollers if they have younger children. The parents range in ages from quite young to *ahem* barely middle aged.

But the Annoying Thing?

We have nut allergies in both classes! And Ryan? Eats Peanut Butter Sandwiches Every Day of the World. I have to practically bathe him after lunch! And re-brush his pearly whites.

But Mostly?

This is a great place to live, raise a family, spend money, spend time and energy. It has a drop-dead beautiful climate. People in this community are athletic, generally happy, helpful and very friendly. Downright Midwestern in its comraderie feel. Western in its location, climate and recreational lifestyle. We have a SuperTarget IN our town, and a huge, high-end mall 4 minutes away. And Starbucks, grocery, video store, cleaners, banks, nail salon/hair salon, restaurants, etc. in walking distance. (Hilly, but walkable)

And expensive. Like most places on the planet.

Photos to follow. This is So Cool. I can be Who I am. I can show you my beautiful sons.

Day-Off Thursdays

Ah, they are GLORIOUS!
Okay, it's really only Thursday Morning's Off, but to lie abed with your two delicious-smelling little boys, and play with their babies (favorite stuffed animals) and massage their lovely little bodies and kiss their velvety cheeks? Am I not the luckiest woman alive these Thursday mornings?

Our favorite parlour game the last few days has been 'Little Baby/Big Baby'. Oldest is Little Baby, just learning to walk. Youngest is Big Baby, and helps me take care of Little Baby. But Big Baby needs alot of attention, too (And frequently turns into a demanding 5 year old, right in the middle of play) We play in the living room (hence 'parlour game') and use the good pillows, sectional and wide expanse of carpeting to play out the following:

Babies Falling Off the Couch.
They take turns falling off the sofa, with many exclamations of horror and hurrying over to rescue from me, and subsequent ROCKETING back into the sofa, with no cares - NO CARES WHATSOEVER - that they are Little Babies; and would little babies really like to be rocketed back into the chaise lounge portion of the sectional, sure to break their little necks? No, not these little babies! I wear out after maybe 6 sessions of rocketing; they do weigh almost 45 pounds each.

Then we play "Little Baby Learning to Walk". Oldest draws a line in the carpeting, and admonishes me in his normal voice "I have to walk All By Myself to here, Mommy. And I'm going to take little baby step, like this." and he proceeds to show me how he is going to lurch and take tiny steps, but I am to 'have confidence and just hold out my hands'. So we do that, with Youngest lurching in front of Oldest and pretending to cry, which makes Oldest snap out of 'baby' and turn into 6 yo Big Brother, yelling "HEY! I"M THE LITTLE BABY HERE!" and giving Youngest a shove out of the way and then going back to being the 'cute little walking baby' after giving Youngest The Death Stare.

But Today? Oldest wanted to play a new game. "Mommy, pretend like it's the day I got here! You are picking me up at the airport!" so I held out my arms and said "Oh, Hello, my beautiful son!" and Oldest? Held up his arms to be picked up, then turned around in my arms, waved and said "Goodbye Korea! Goodbye Foster Mommy! I am going to miss you! I love you." and I burst into Very Quiet tears and hugged and hugged him. How did we get so lucky to have these children?

And now they are watching The Magic School Bus videos we got from the NEW LIBRARY which is just too beautiful and wonderful for words. The boys beg to go every day. It's That Great.

Where I'm at this week...

Things are going really great with Youngest. He is wearing costumes, playing with friends, communicating, staking his place in the middle of the mix. Yes, his speech is still delayed and different. This boy lives in the present; there is no past or future in his conversations. And frequently no prepositions or other unnecessary embellishments. The fact is, he's alot more social than some of the highest-paid geeks at my husband's company. So, there is hope.

Oldest? Except for sulky, moody mood swings and Drama - Oh, The Drama! - Life is Good for Oldest. He is ahead of the curve for manners, social skills (the boy likes to be liked) and agility. He'll be fine.

Today, the boys are being allowed to watch Star Wars Episode IV - A New Hope, with very much of the movie fast-forwarded through, and many, many questions from them "Is he a bad guy?""What Kind of animal is that?" and finally "Well, NONE of this is real, is it?!" We all jumped out of our seats when youngest bellowed "Dat's DARK VADER, I KNOW DAT GUY!" complete with popcorn going airborne as he jumped out of his chair. We've only watched half of it so far. We wanted to see how the boys did with that much of the movie.

This was prompted by oldest poring over a Costume Express catalog, and deciding that his life could never be complete unless he had a storm trooper (clone trooper?) costume. After 2 days of pleading, his brother finally came up with a costume he wanted as well - McQueen from Cars. It's a step-into costume, pictured here. I hope he is not too big for it.
Cars Costume
Since I was ordering that costume for youngest, I told Oldest he could also pick one. Of course he chose a $60 costume right away. I told him 'something less expensive', which then meant we had a long discussion about money and budgets. I remember going through this same thing with a 6 yo godson, many moons ago. Anyway, he pounced on a clone trooper (storm trooper?) costume and once I clicked "ORDER", both boys have been hounding me mercilessly, and leaping out of their skins with every peal of the doorbell.

And about switching the blog to something much more opaque; well, I had something rather unpleasant from the past sneak up and give me a goose. So I'm leaving up the old site, hoping the Putz is thrown off scent. If not, I gave it a good try. In the meantime, if you do choose to add or keep me on a blogroll, please leave my old name out of it. In fact, that old name won't be appearing anywhere on this site, ever. Just to let you know. Also? I'll be commenting by email to your blog entries when I can. I'm going to be on the computer alot less. Reigning in an addiction, so to speak.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

Let's see if this worked:

Switcheroo complete?

Bloggy Bye Bye

I'm spending way too much time on the computer and have lots of stuff to do right now.

So adieu for now.

I say, You think:

1. Wiggle ::


2. Face ::


3. Adjustable ::


4. Room ::


5. Easy ::


6. Store ::


7. Maid ::


8. 9 pm ::


9. Challenge ::


10. Debt ::

Here are Mine:

Wiggle: Room
Face: Value
Adjustable: Waistband
Room: to Grow
Easy: Livin'
Store: Bought
Maid: Servant
9 pm: Light's Out
Challenge: Fight
Debt: Free

Hmm, I see a theme of expanding girth here -

Stolen from Kim

He. Swam. By. Himself. Today.

Youngest has been taking private swimming lessons since February. Since February - that is 6 months. (With Oldest, who by now is doing an incredible backstroke, and working on proper breathing with his crawl stroke.)

They are taking swimming lessons from the best teacher we could find - an incredible young man who tolerates no nonsense, lavishes praise, and keeps them 100% on track - not easy. While one is having a lesson, the other must work on technique - even if it is blowing bubbles, etc.

3 weeks ago, Youngest was able to tolerate wearing his goggles long enough to stay underwater for more than a nanosecond. 2 weeks ago, he left his goggles on long enough to actually count to 2 under water, while hanging on to our dear Mr. Mark with both hands and both legs wrapped around Mr. Mark's leg. One week ago, Youngest left BOTH paws on his kickboard and swam out kicking with Mr. Mark's hand a fraction of an inch away from his, frequently touching Mr. Mark's hand in terror. But This Week? Youngest yelled "LOOKY DIS MOMMY!" when I reappeared at the end of their lesson:

Mr. Mark said "Ready?" and gently tugged Youngest away from the ledge seat, and then

Let Go Of The Board

Youngest kicked all around the pool, with the biggest smile (and foggiest goggles) I have ever seen. Mr. Mark was always right in front of him, smiling and talking gently to my son, who just had one of the biggest accomplishments of his life.

He swam. He really swam. All by himself. With us cheering. All the way back to the ledge. Where he handed up the kickboard to me like he's been doing it for years. And took off his foggy goggles and asked "Did you see me, Mommy? I DID IT!" And I snatched him out of that pool and smooched his little grinning cheeks right off him.

KINDERGARTEN!

Today was the official start of kindergarten. All four of us gobbled down lunch and drove up the hilly crest to the school. Oldest clung to me at first when we arrived. We had forgotten his backpack, and he was worrired about that. So I jetted home while K stayed with the boys. By the time I got back, the classroom door was closed, and everyone was enjoying the goodies a local bakery donated. So, we had to rap on the door and thrust the forgotten backpack through the crack in the door. Way off in the distance, in circle time, Oldest looked relieved.

We didn't see too many tears; 2 sets of parents and 2 children. The class has swelled to almost full (21 students). We know 2 of the children, so that is great. I know Oldest is going to love being in kindergarten. Going to all-day summer camp has him used to crowds, lines and following orders. Useful skills for a student. I hope he eventually veers from the lemming path...

I am thrilled for him. I hope this is the beginning of a love of school, and a life-long lust for learning.

I say, You think:

1. Visit ::


2. Cake ::


3. Period ::


4. Triumphant ::


5. Screen ::


6. Neglect ::


7. Guitar ::


8. Loathe ::


9. Sugar ::


10. Montage ::

My Answers:

Visit: the Library
Cake: Bread
Period: of Time
Triumphant: Return
Screen: Legend
Neglect: Benign
Guitar: Lick
Loathe: Fear and (Loathing in Las Vegas)
Sugar: Baby (Anyone else remember this candy - Sugarbabies?)
Montage: Artwork

Stolen from Kim

Getting Serious about this Home Swap Thing...

I have researched three companies that facilitate home swapping:

Swap #1

Swap #2

Swap #3

And
1. I've checked with our health club about allowing house guests to use our membership
2. I've checked with our vehicle insurer about house guests using our car
3. I've checked with our homeowner's insurer about house guests using our property in our absence
4. I've talked to the husband about what stuff we would need to lock up, rooms to put off limits, etc.

I'm thinking this might be a great idea for 2008 - we've already got alot going on in 2007, vacation-wise.

Can you think of any pitfalls? Things we may want to include in our to-do list?

Being Different in a White World:

I forget; We Are A Biracial Family.
My children are -- my children. I no longer see that they are Asian, Korean to be exact. They are simply my sons. I see people staring at us in the street and I assume "Oh, they are thinking what gorgeous boys Oldest and Youngest are!"
But today? I was snapped back. I mentioned to my sister that I had a less than good experience meeting someone today, someone who will have a bit of contact with our family. We went over the usual possible reasons; the woman may have been having a bad day emotionally or physically, She could have gotten distracted during the time she should have been giving us attention, etc. Then my sister said these words "Or maybe she doesn't like Asians. Or is thinking 'Oh yeah; another one buying herself the newest Hollywood Acquisition; different-race children'."
I was stunned. At first I thought, my sister is being a bitch to me! What in the hell! Then I processed it - This might be happening much more than I know.
It was like being socked in the belly - I was physically overwrought for a few seconds. My guts twinged. Who could possibly think there were ulterior motives in wanting my children? How could anyone not know the fierce, visceral love we have for our sons? That I could not love them more had they come shooting out of my vagina?
This really had me thinking today about stuff I hadn't visited for a long time. Harking me back to those Looooooooooooong days doing research, taking bi-racial family classes, reading books, visiting with the Social Worker (who had a few bi-racial, adopted children) and doing tons of work on the What Ifs.
Yeah - What If....
I thought I was prepared to have things like this wash off me like so much sudsy water in the shower.
I have been raw since this conversation. Hugging and holding and smooching the very cheeks off my sons. Wishing I could create a perfect world where Love was the key. When just loving your children was enough.