Oh, You Guys.
I have Shingles. You know this horrible pain I've had, the 'spider bites' along my back on on my side? Those were not spider bites. The cosmos has smote me with something far more dreadful.
The pain finally got to the point where I would wake up and not be able to catch my breath. Yeah, bad. Big time bad.
So three prescriptions later, I am feeling a tiny bit of relief.
But I still am in incredible pain; it burns, itches and is numb all at the same time.
Get the shot, dudes; get the shot. Just ask for the Anti-Shingles Shot. Pay whatever they ask. You do NOT want this Shit.
And I'm blaming this on Robert.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
"What Idiot Would Shop Here?"
I arrived in Greece to meet up with my mother (my sister and dad came later) after partying for 2 days in West Germany (before the fall of the Berlin Wall). I was hung over, sleep deprived and in a foul mood. The airport in Athens was a madhouse, and the line for clearing customs was 50 people long. I'd had it. I broke out of the line as soon as I saw my mother waiting, as luck would have it right beside the pile that contained my luggage. An official gestured me back, but I pointed to my bags. I got to my bags without too much flack, and then just - hopped over the drooping rope. When an official came running, I thundered "I'M EXHAUSTED AND THAT IS MY MOTHER!" and turned my back and left. The crowd of harried family and friends waiting for their arrivals quickly closed behind us and that was that.
My mother said "Well, that was rich. Oh - wait 'til you sample a taxi ride!" I said "As long as they get us to the Chandris Hotel fast, I'm good." My mother muttered "Oh, no problem there..." and hailed a cab. The driver leapt out, threw (I am not kidding) my bags into the trunk and practically pushed us into the cab. I was still closing the passenger door when he revved the motor and screeched out into traffic. We careened around corners, my mother and I literally polishing the slick leather seat with our backsides as we slid from one side to the other. My mother stage whispered between clenched teeth "What Did I Tell You?!" and with that, the driver skidded to a stop, nearly tossing my mother and I into the front with him. "The Chandris!" he exclaimed, jumping out of the cab and snatching our door open. He had our bags at the bellboy stand tout suite, returned to us deftly plucking the cash from my mother's fingers and was gone before we could say "Holy Shit!"
The hotel was grand and full of interesting shops.
But the real shopping was in The Plaka or the business district. In the early 80's, there was an amazing array of stores and restaurants. The dollar was strong and if you shopped where the locals shopped, and could get tremendous deals on shoes and jewelry. My mother and I strolled around and decided where to return with my sister then 15) and my father.
Joan and I took off on our own one day, and ended up walking 5 hours as we got lost. Plus, we both got tired of the men honking and doing the kissy-lips as they passed us -- even with their wives in the car, beating on them and screaming! We had gone by a really exclusive shopping area, and we decided to come back with Daddy and mom.
Finally, our shopping dream came true; we'd gone to every museum, seen every available ruin and there wasn't much else to do. Daddy sighed and said "Ok, let's go see this swanky shopping district." It was gorgeous - we found places for Daddy to sit and sip his coffee or juice and off we took. Mom took him into 2 or 3 stores and he was flabbergasted at how much more expensive these places were than any place so far in Greece. Joan and Mom decided to take a break with dad. Just as he exclaimed to Mom and Joan "What Idiot would shop here?!", I came thundering down the sidewalk, arms loaded with packages.
Daddy looked at Mom and proclaimed "I Rest My Case."
My mother said "Well, that was rich. Oh - wait 'til you sample a taxi ride!" I said "As long as they get us to the Chandris Hotel fast, I'm good." My mother muttered "Oh, no problem there..." and hailed a cab. The driver leapt out, threw (I am not kidding) my bags into the trunk and practically pushed us into the cab. I was still closing the passenger door when he revved the motor and screeched out into traffic. We careened around corners, my mother and I literally polishing the slick leather seat with our backsides as we slid from one side to the other. My mother stage whispered between clenched teeth "What Did I Tell You?!" and with that, the driver skidded to a stop, nearly tossing my mother and I into the front with him. "The Chandris!" he exclaimed, jumping out of the cab and snatching our door open. He had our bags at the bellboy stand tout suite, returned to us deftly plucking the cash from my mother's fingers and was gone before we could say "Holy Shit!"
The hotel was grand and full of interesting shops.
But the real shopping was in The Plaka or the business district. In the early 80's, there was an amazing array of stores and restaurants. The dollar was strong and if you shopped where the locals shopped, and could get tremendous deals on shoes and jewelry. My mother and I strolled around and decided where to return with my sister then 15) and my father.
Joan and I took off on our own one day, and ended up walking 5 hours as we got lost. Plus, we both got tired of the men honking and doing the kissy-lips as they passed us -- even with their wives in the car, beating on them and screaming! We had gone by a really exclusive shopping area, and we decided to come back with Daddy and mom.
Finally, our shopping dream came true; we'd gone to every museum, seen every available ruin and there wasn't much else to do. Daddy sighed and said "Ok, let's go see this swanky shopping district." It was gorgeous - we found places for Daddy to sit and sip his coffee or juice and off we took. Mom took him into 2 or 3 stores and he was flabbergasted at how much more expensive these places were than any place so far in Greece. Joan and Mom decided to take a break with dad. Just as he exclaimed to Mom and Joan "What Idiot would shop here?!", I came thundering down the sidewalk, arms loaded with packages.
Daddy looked at Mom and proclaimed "I Rest My Case."
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Searing Pain in my Chest
Tuesday, I woke at 4 a.m. with a pain in my ribs under my left breast. I realized that I had not slept much, and was hazy and bewildered getting the boys off to school.
After four physio/chiropractic appointments, I don't know that I'm much better. Turns out I have a huge mass of spider bites on the outer edge of my left breast (DAMN why did I put on clothing left on the floor a couple of weeks back, WHY?!) and the inflammation from them has caused havoc with my ribs and muscles in the back and chest wall. Some ribs are actually out of whack, and won't go back in yet. I fear the amount of anti-inflammatory drugs I'm taking will then tear up my innards. Oy.
Lovely.
So I have a physical symptom of an honest-to-God broken heart.
I'll get back to the Dad Diaries I think tomorrow. Right now, I'm wallowing in real and mental anguish yet.
After four physio/chiropractic appointments, I don't know that I'm much better. Turns out I have a huge mass of spider bites on the outer edge of my left breast (DAMN why did I put on clothing left on the floor a couple of weeks back, WHY?!) and the inflammation from them has caused havoc with my ribs and muscles in the back and chest wall. Some ribs are actually out of whack, and won't go back in yet. I fear the amount of anti-inflammatory drugs I'm taking will then tear up my innards. Oy.
Lovely.
So I have a physical symptom of an honest-to-God broken heart.
I'll get back to the Dad Diaries I think tomorrow. Right now, I'm wallowing in real and mental anguish yet.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Letting Go
Letting Go.
Easy to type, more difficult to accomplish.
Letting go of anger, letting go of anguish.
It's a Process.
Writing it has helped. Talking has helped. Your comments have helped more than you can know.
The sadness is now in my bones. I ache, I hurt. I don't feel like me. I feel, in fact, old. Or at least what I imagine 'old' must feel like.
It was hard to let go of my children this morning. I followed them into school and made excuses for hanging around. Good friends are taking them after school and that is a good thing; I can sleep this afternoon.
Grief. I'm not patient; I want these waves of grief to hurry up and be gone. But that's not what is going to happen, is it?
Thank you for sharing this time with me and my very dear friends who've suffered such a tremendous loss.
Easy to type, more difficult to accomplish.
Letting go of anger, letting go of anguish.
It's a Process.
Writing it has helped. Talking has helped. Your comments have helped more than you can know.
The sadness is now in my bones. I ache, I hurt. I don't feel like me. I feel, in fact, old. Or at least what I imagine 'old' must feel like.
It was hard to let go of my children this morning. I followed them into school and made excuses for hanging around. Good friends are taking them after school and that is a good thing; I can sleep this afternoon.
Grief. I'm not patient; I want these waves of grief to hurry up and be gone. But that's not what is going to happen, is it?
Thank you for sharing this time with me and my very dear friends who've suffered such a tremendous loss.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Remembering Robert, continued
Ken and I adopted our sons from S. Korea over a 14-month period, and we got busy. I didn't visit Chicago as much, but was thrilled to show off our beautiful sons to our Chicago friends when we could. Since Robert and Pam's daughter Hannah was the same age as our two boys, getting together with them worked perfectly when we did visit Chicago. Pam was getting a graduate degree, and Robert was usually with Hannah when they would come to Stephen and Danusia's house.
I LOVED seeing Robert with Hannah and my sons! Robert, after all, was the 'old timer' parent - he had Matthew and Rebecca before our other three, and really had some practical advice.
Pamela graduated, and appeared more with Hannah. I was thrilled that she was on the same wave-length as me and changing their life to a cleaner/simpler earth-wise format. She shared her new cooking methods and new books she was reading with me, and I shared my new love of Feng Shui with her and Robert. All along, Robert was an interested and active participant as he was the stay-at-home parent while Pam worked on her career. I often thought "I want Pam's Life!" as she got to pursue her career dream and Robert did the majority of child care. Robert and I shared laundry tips, housekeeping issues and solutions and home remodel/repair angst.
Then Hannah found a niche - gymnastics! This young lady has a gift from God - her gymnastics ability. I believe she placed 8th on floor exercises in the Junior Olympics last year! Robert and Pam were amazed and humbled by Hannah's abilities. And, unbelievably, were not the typical 'stage parents' - I had to pry Hannah stories out of them.
This past summer, we made it to Chicago twice - me in June for my Godson Peter's high school graduation. I saw Robert and Pam only once as it was a 3 day trip. Luckily the boys and I went to Chicago again in August, and we spent a lot of time with Robert, Pam and Hannah.
Robert's son Matthew spent a good bit of time with us at the lake house and also on a sailing trip. Robert was so delighted in how great Matthew was turning out - in college, centered, and growing into a very good man. ""Any parent would be proud of a guy like Matthew" "He and Hannah are the light of my life" "Matthew is like a 30 year old in a 20 year old's body" and so many great things were expressed by Robert about his children. Stephen, Danusia and I kept Hannah overnight a few times during the August trip to help keep Parker and Ryan entertained. She had a Nintendo DS! She's athletic! For gosh sake, that girl is WORLDLY! The boys were in love with such a great 'cousin'. In fact, I told Parker Tuesday night that Robert had died. He cried and said "Oh, poor Hannah! She is gonna miss that daddy, Mom!" I held him and said "Yes, we will have to be extra kind to Hannah when we see her." The first thing Parker said to Ryan when they got up the next morning and Parker crawled into bed with Ryan and me (Ryan always gets up first and crawls in bed with us) was "Ryan, you know Hannah, that girl with the DS in Chicago? Her daddy died yesterday." Ryan said "Oh gosh, that it awful. That poor girl. Are we going to Chicago, Mom?" I said I didn't know.
Stephen, Robert and I went out to dinner at Carnivale and I maybe had the best dinner in recent memory. Robert was so fun at that dinner. We shared some stories and he planned a winter trip to bring Pam and Hannah to see us in Colorado. You were going to visit us! You promised!
Robert, I am so astonished - you had never looked better or happier in your life the last time I saw you. You had a great life. You gave it up.
The priest says your death is the very definition of someone stepping outside of themselves, being 'beside themselves with anguish'. Never in a million years did anyone of us see it coming. I will never understand why you killed yourself. I just hope your wife and children can forgive you one day. I don't know if I can.
I LOVED seeing Robert with Hannah and my sons! Robert, after all, was the 'old timer' parent - he had Matthew and Rebecca before our other three, and really had some practical advice.
Pamela graduated, and appeared more with Hannah. I was thrilled that she was on the same wave-length as me and changing their life to a cleaner/simpler earth-wise format. She shared her new cooking methods and new books she was reading with me, and I shared my new love of Feng Shui with her and Robert. All along, Robert was an interested and active participant as he was the stay-at-home parent while Pam worked on her career. I often thought "I want Pam's Life!" as she got to pursue her career dream and Robert did the majority of child care. Robert and I shared laundry tips, housekeeping issues and solutions and home remodel/repair angst.
Then Hannah found a niche - gymnastics! This young lady has a gift from God - her gymnastics ability. I believe she placed 8th on floor exercises in the Junior Olympics last year! Robert and Pam were amazed and humbled by Hannah's abilities. And, unbelievably, were not the typical 'stage parents' - I had to pry Hannah stories out of them.
This past summer, we made it to Chicago twice - me in June for my Godson Peter's high school graduation. I saw Robert and Pam only once as it was a 3 day trip. Luckily the boys and I went to Chicago again in August, and we spent a lot of time with Robert, Pam and Hannah.
Robert's son Matthew spent a good bit of time with us at the lake house and also on a sailing trip. Robert was so delighted in how great Matthew was turning out - in college, centered, and growing into a very good man. ""Any parent would be proud of a guy like Matthew" "He and Hannah are the light of my life" "Matthew is like a 30 year old in a 20 year old's body" and so many great things were expressed by Robert about his children. Stephen, Danusia and I kept Hannah overnight a few times during the August trip to help keep Parker and Ryan entertained. She had a Nintendo DS! She's athletic! For gosh sake, that girl is WORLDLY! The boys were in love with such a great 'cousin'. In fact, I told Parker Tuesday night that Robert had died. He cried and said "Oh, poor Hannah! She is gonna miss that daddy, Mom!" I held him and said "Yes, we will have to be extra kind to Hannah when we see her." The first thing Parker said to Ryan when they got up the next morning and Parker crawled into bed with Ryan and me (Ryan always gets up first and crawls in bed with us) was "Ryan, you know Hannah, that girl with the DS in Chicago? Her daddy died yesterday." Ryan said "Oh gosh, that it awful. That poor girl. Are we going to Chicago, Mom?" I said I didn't know.
Stephen, Robert and I went out to dinner at Carnivale and I maybe had the best dinner in recent memory. Robert was so fun at that dinner. We shared some stories and he planned a winter trip to bring Pam and Hannah to see us in Colorado. You were going to visit us! You promised!
Robert, I am so astonished - you had never looked better or happier in your life the last time I saw you. You had a great life. You gave it up.
The priest says your death is the very definition of someone stepping outside of themselves, being 'beside themselves with anguish'. Never in a million years did anyone of us see it coming. I will never understand why you killed yourself. I just hope your wife and children can forgive you one day. I don't know if I can.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Remembering Robert
My dear friend Robert died yesterday. He leaves behind a wife and three children.
I still cannot believe it.
The first time I met Robert was at the wedding of his older sister, Carole. This was a wedding of great pageantry and many people; I was attending as a guest of his brother Stephen, and remember that as one of the best events I've ever been to. All of Robert's brothers, their dates and I went out on the town in New York City for days. It would be completely honest to say I was in NYC for 4 days and 1 night as I only slept one night! It was 1987, I think.
Robert was then married to his first wife and didn't have children yet. Twenty years ago brought forth his first child, Matthew and a few years after that his daughter Rebecca was born. I kept up with Robert through Stephen (who has been one of my best friends for over 25 years, after we decided that being romantic wasn't working for us, but being very good friends was a great idea).
The next time I saw Robert was at his brother Stephen's wedding in Chicago, another over-the-top event where six different friends stayed at a lake property outside of Chicago and ended up having a Big Chill kind of stay, complete with running, drinking and soul searching. I remember being glad to run into Robert and his wife at each party for Stephen's wedding and at the many casual events at the lake property, which Robert, Stephen and their siblings had inherited after their parents' deaths in the 1980's.
Stephen and his dear wife, Danusia, became my best friends over the years since their wedding. I have spent Christmas holidays at their home, as well as many weeks in summer and fall and am their children's unofficial GodMother. Each time I went to Chicago to see Stephen and Danusia, Robert was featured in some part of the trip. I grew to love his quiet humor, his exacting and careful methodology and his very calm and loving demeanor.
The only time I saw Robert seething with anger was when his first marriage disintegrated and the circumstances surrounding it. During those years, I saw a lot more of Robert when I visited Chicago to spend time with Stephen, Danusia and their boys. Sometimes Robert would have his two children with him, sometimes he would not. I remember thinking what a great daddy he was; how he spent quality time with those children and kept them shielded a bit where he could. One year I must've gone to Chicago five times, and Robert usually made an appearance a time or two while I was there. Sometimes other friends from the Big Chill weekend of Stephen and Danusia's wedding would fly in, and it would be an incredibly wonderful time. If it was summer, Robert would get out his boat, and take us all out for either motorboat tours on their local lakes or long sailboat excursions on Lake Michigan. I brought my niece a few times, and she was always thrilled when "Uncle Robert" showed up.
Robert met his second wife, Pam, on a sailing trip. I think Pam is 15 years younger than Robert. I adored Pam when I met her! A bunch of us had gone to a great Chicago restaurant, and Pam was glowing about her upcoming wedding. Robert was completely in love with Pam, and I envied them that kind of obvious devotion and happiness. I was in a relationship with my husband at that time, but we were still in the rocky 'figuring it out' period that frequently tanked other relationships in my past. I had been married once, divorced early and thought I would never marry again. But I still envied people who were planning a life together - it's what we;re supposed to do, right?!
I did not attend Robert and Pam's small wedding. Now I can't remember why, but I think it was a financial decision - my early 40's were lean years for me. I saw them frequently after that - nearly always at the big lake house, sometimes at holiday celebrations and I grew to love Pam as a good friend. They visited Ken and I in Colorado, and I continued to go to Chicago frequently, too. I always made a point of including Robert and Pam in any events we had in Chicago. (Chicago is all about huge parties when I visit - I like to cook for crowds.)
We were at Robert and Pam's Lake Geneva vacation home when Robert and Pam announced that they were expecting a baby in 6 months - and I was thrilled for them. Robert's children with his first wife were there, and were so excited about the news.
The next time I saw Robert and Pam, their beautiful baby was 4 months old. I had gotten married in the meantime, and has suffered a pretty bad miscarriage 2 months earlier. Some of the pictures I treasure are photos of Robert, Pam and myself with their lovely dauther, Hannah. Robert was so concerned that it would be hard for me to hold Hannah when I had suffered such a loss, and that made me cry - not holding his delicious baby girl, but his concern for my feelings.
I can't write any more. I am cryinig too hard. Good night and I'll finish tomorrow.
I still cannot believe it.
The first time I met Robert was at the wedding of his older sister, Carole. This was a wedding of great pageantry and many people; I was attending as a guest of his brother Stephen, and remember that as one of the best events I've ever been to. All of Robert's brothers, their dates and I went out on the town in New York City for days. It would be completely honest to say I was in NYC for 4 days and 1 night as I only slept one night! It was 1987, I think.
Robert was then married to his first wife and didn't have children yet. Twenty years ago brought forth his first child, Matthew and a few years after that his daughter Rebecca was born. I kept up with Robert through Stephen (who has been one of my best friends for over 25 years, after we decided that being romantic wasn't working for us, but being very good friends was a great idea).
The next time I saw Robert was at his brother Stephen's wedding in Chicago, another over-the-top event where six different friends stayed at a lake property outside of Chicago and ended up having a Big Chill kind of stay, complete with running, drinking and soul searching. I remember being glad to run into Robert and his wife at each party for Stephen's wedding and at the many casual events at the lake property, which Robert, Stephen and their siblings had inherited after their parents' deaths in the 1980's.
Stephen and his dear wife, Danusia, became my best friends over the years since their wedding. I have spent Christmas holidays at their home, as well as many weeks in summer and fall and am their children's unofficial GodMother. Each time I went to Chicago to see Stephen and Danusia, Robert was featured in some part of the trip. I grew to love his quiet humor, his exacting and careful methodology and his very calm and loving demeanor.
The only time I saw Robert seething with anger was when his first marriage disintegrated and the circumstances surrounding it. During those years, I saw a lot more of Robert when I visited Chicago to spend time with Stephen, Danusia and their boys. Sometimes Robert would have his two children with him, sometimes he would not. I remember thinking what a great daddy he was; how he spent quality time with those children and kept them shielded a bit where he could. One year I must've gone to Chicago five times, and Robert usually made an appearance a time or two while I was there. Sometimes other friends from the Big Chill weekend of Stephen and Danusia's wedding would fly in, and it would be an incredibly wonderful time. If it was summer, Robert would get out his boat, and take us all out for either motorboat tours on their local lakes or long sailboat excursions on Lake Michigan. I brought my niece a few times, and she was always thrilled when "Uncle Robert" showed up.
Robert met his second wife, Pam, on a sailing trip. I think Pam is 15 years younger than Robert. I adored Pam when I met her! A bunch of us had gone to a great Chicago restaurant, and Pam was glowing about her upcoming wedding. Robert was completely in love with Pam, and I envied them that kind of obvious devotion and happiness. I was in a relationship with my husband at that time, but we were still in the rocky 'figuring it out' period that frequently tanked other relationships in my past. I had been married once, divorced early and thought I would never marry again. But I still envied people who were planning a life together - it's what we;re supposed to do, right?!
I did not attend Robert and Pam's small wedding. Now I can't remember why, but I think it was a financial decision - my early 40's were lean years for me. I saw them frequently after that - nearly always at the big lake house, sometimes at holiday celebrations and I grew to love Pam as a good friend. They visited Ken and I in Colorado, and I continued to go to Chicago frequently, too. I always made a point of including Robert and Pam in any events we had in Chicago. (Chicago is all about huge parties when I visit - I like to cook for crowds.)
We were at Robert and Pam's Lake Geneva vacation home when Robert and Pam announced that they were expecting a baby in 6 months - and I was thrilled for them. Robert's children with his first wife were there, and were so excited about the news.
The next time I saw Robert and Pam, their beautiful baby was 4 months old. I had gotten married in the meantime, and has suffered a pretty bad miscarriage 2 months earlier. Some of the pictures I treasure are photos of Robert, Pam and myself with their lovely dauther, Hannah. Robert was so concerned that it would be hard for me to hold Hannah when I had suffered such a loss, and that made me cry - not holding his delicious baby girl, but his concern for my feelings.
I can't write any more. I am cryinig too hard. Good night and I'll finish tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
