Thursday, August 24, 2006

Being Different in a White World:

I forget; We Are A Biracial Family.
My children are -- my children. I no longer see that they are Asian, Korean to be exact. They are simply my sons. I see people staring at us in the street and I assume "Oh, they are thinking what gorgeous boys Oldest and Youngest are!"
But today? I was snapped back. I mentioned to my sister that I had a less than good experience meeting someone today, someone who will have a bit of contact with our family. We went over the usual possible reasons; the woman may have been having a bad day emotionally or physically, She could have gotten distracted during the time she should have been giving us attention, etc. Then my sister said these words "Or maybe she doesn't like Asians. Or is thinking 'Oh yeah; another one buying herself the newest Hollywood Acquisition; different-race children'."
I was stunned. At first I thought, my sister is being a bitch to me! What in the hell! Then I processed it - This might be happening much more than I know.
It was like being socked in the belly - I was physically overwrought for a few seconds. My guts twinged. Who could possibly think there were ulterior motives in wanting my children? How could anyone not know the fierce, visceral love we have for our sons? That I could not love them more had they come shooting out of my vagina?
This really had me thinking today about stuff I hadn't visited for a long time. Harking me back to those Looooooooooooong days doing research, taking bi-racial family classes, reading books, visiting with the Social Worker (who had a few bi-racial, adopted children) and doing tons of work on the What Ifs.
Yeah - What If....
I thought I was prepared to have things like this wash off me like so much sudsy water in the shower.
I have been raw since this conversation. Hugging and holding and smooching the very cheeks off my sons. Wishing I could create a perfect world where Love was the key. When just loving your children was enough.


blackbird said...

But I almost think that you give this awful reality too much credit, too much of your attention and thereby reinforce its terrible power.
Screw anyone else's thoughts.
And do it by adoring them and ignoring the ignorant.
Love triumphs.

Joke said...

Just be a great mom and leave it at that. What? You don't have enough troubles you need to jack up your blood pressure too?


PJ said...

You have given them a perfect world, by giving them your unconditional love. Some people never have that, not even from their parents. We all face obstacles in life and some of them are ugly, with your love and guidance your boys will know that some people are ugly down deep in their soul but most are wonderful and take people on their merit and nothing else. But no matter what they face in life you will be there.

daysgoby said...

Oh V, I'm sorry this troubled you.

angie said...

You should read chookooloonks' post today. It talks about this issue.

I am sorry for your pain.

Badger said...


I have a friend with six kids. She gave birth to the four girls, the oldest of whom was born missing one arm below the elbow and the youngest of whom wears a hearing aid. Her older son is Korean (my friend, her DH and the girls are of European descent) and was born with the same missing arm issue as the oldest daughter. Her younger son's birth parents were both black Africans.

She has gotten comments from strangers ranging from completely clueless to downright nauseating. But those kids KNOW they are loved, and that they are part of an amazing family and they always will be. Love does indeed triumph!

Irene said...

as a Korean woman, with Korean kids, who bursts into tears everytime she reads about Korean orphans, I want to hug you and thank you for giving those two beautiful boys a chance to be loved and cared for. ignore the stupid comments, you're a wonderful, wonderful mother.

Heather said...

I too have bi-racial children, and I know exactly how you feel.

Unfortunately the world can be a very mean and ugly place, however your love will give your children the strength to see past most of it....

Sarah Louise said...

Keep fighting the fight. My sister calls herself a "coconut" Brown on the outside, white on the inside. I've heard women who were adopted from Korea call themselves "bananas": yellow on the outside, white on the inside.

There are no easy answers except the one that bb mentioned: Love triumphs.

momslo said...

I'm checking in late here- and so will say "ditto" to all the above-

Irene, however, brought tears to my eyes.

I do know that my beautiful friend from Ethiopia is married to a caucasian and her baby boy is beautiful and a lot of people think she is the nanny!!!-and she lives in the Bay area- She lives in a very affluent neighborhood-
you'd think it would be more progressive then that! It gets old after awhile-you just want people to notice the boys loveliness and not be trying to figure out the family picture.

BabelBabe said...

what blackbird said - and you love them, that is all that matters. I am sure they are lovely wonderful children, and you are a great mom.

also, i have to admit, i might love mine MORE if they *hadn't* come shooting out of my vagina : )

My float said...

Yes, yes and yes. and a big hug to you.