Today and Thursday are the Last Days of 6-hour summer day camp for the boys of mine. I've had 16 blessed 6-hour days, and I've pissed them all away. Well, not pissed in the English sense, but pissed as in wasted. Well, not wasted in the American sense... ACK! I Have Not Done Anything Productive On Tuesday Or Thursday throughout the entire summer except polyurethaning the floors that one day. Which may not have even been a Tuesday or Thursday...
I am not going to have weekly babysitting anymore. Since we've been parents, I've had babysitting 3 evenings a week during the arsenic hours of 4-7 pm (or more). Well, no more. We have to start severely cutting costs, and part of it has to be discretionary things like babysitting, eating out, fancy coffees. Which now that I type it doesn't sound discretionary at all; it sounds like How I Get Through My Days! Uh-oh...
And I'm 2 years from a clean getaway with both children in all-day school. Kindergarten is half day here. Youngest will go to kindy next year. Half Day.
I know those of you who have jobs are thinking "Oh, put a fucking sock in it! I do everything that you do, and work too!" Well, possibly. But I would not consent to working 2 essentially full-time jobs. My husband would have to do more or fork over the funds to pay for what he is not doing, chore-wise, around the house. And he works at least 60 hours a week. Usually more. When he makes the "Go back to work so I can eventually retire" noises, I wave the Word document I created with the 3 columns showing task/time/$$$ to hire out and ask him which half he is going to do, or pay to hire out. End of discussion. We still have that chat annually, but he's not stepped up to the plate with service providers or a written agreement on what he'll take over.
Running errands, food shopping, dry cleaners, all that stuff - I've been able to do child-free for 6 years. The thought of doing it with 2 little boys is making me bug-eyed.
I'm going to need to find the Zen in these chores. And so far? I'm just scared.
And, I'm also having trouble getting my head around leaving Oldest off at such a large institution - public school. Even though our neighborhood school is new, best in the district, blah blah blah; It's got 80+ kindergartners. EIGHTY kindergarten children! And there are 8 grades in the school. Grades 5 and above have even more children in them, as the school bond that funded under 22-per-classroom affected classrooms beginning after that was voted in - 5 years ago. They have 'strict bullying rules'. Yeah, so what? Kids are mean and that's just a fact. Our sons are sweet. They will get picked on. Every child does. I hate that my sons will ever suffer at the hands of classmates! But it's inevitable. So, we work on 'what to say, when', and we practice saying "So?" and walking away. But in reality? Who knows.
Yes, they will have good days and lots of them. And a few bad ones. Please dear god let me have my shit together enough to not overreact and make more of it than it needs to be to help them survive. They are not Me. My wounds may never be their wounds.
Expect Angsty posting for awhile. That's where I am in this space/time/continuim.
That is all.