My last photo of Robert

This will be my last photo forever of Robert, myself, some of our kids and Stephen.

It breaks my heart to look at this photo. He looks happy; we all were so happy that August day.

I still can't quite say goodbye to my gentle, caring friend.

Searing Pain in my Chest

Tuesday, I woke at 4 a.m. with a pain in my ribs under my left breast. I realized that I had not slept much, and was hazy and bewildered getting the boys off to school.

After four physio/chiropractic appointments, I don't know that I'm much better. Turns out I have a huge mass of spider bites on the outer edge of my left breast (DAMN why did I put on clothing left on the floor a couple of weeks back, WHY?!) and the inflammation from them has caused havoc with my ribs and muscles in the back and chest wall. Some ribs are actually out of whack, and won't go back in yet. I fear the amount of anti-inflammatory drugs I'm taking will then tear up my innards. Oy.

Lovely.

So I have a physical symptom of an honest-to-God broken heart.

I'll get back to the Dad Diaries I think tomorrow. Right now, I'm wallowing in real and mental anguish yet.

Letting Go

Letting Go.
Easy to type, more difficult to accomplish.
Letting go of anger, letting go of anguish.
It's a Process.
Writing it has helped. Talking has helped. Your comments have helped more than you can know.
The sadness is now in my bones. I ache, I hurt. I don't feel like me. I feel, in fact, old. Or at least what I imagine 'old' must feel like.
It was hard to let go of my children this morning. I followed them into school and made excuses for hanging around. Good friends are taking them after school and that is a good thing; I can sleep this afternoon.
Grief. I'm not patient; I want these waves of grief to hurry up and be gone. But that's not what is going to happen, is it?
Thank you for sharing this time with me and my very dear friends who've suffered such a tremendous loss.

Remembering Robert, continued

Ken and I adopted our sons from S. Korea over a 14-month period, and we got busy. I didn't visit Chicago as much, but was thrilled to show off our beautiful sons to our Chicago friends when we could. Since Robert and Pam's daughter Hannah was the same age as our two boys, getting together with them worked perfectly when we did visit Chicago. Pam was getting a graduate degree, and Robert was usually with Hannah when they would come to Stephen and Danusia's house.

I LOVED seeing Robert with Hannah and my sons! Robert, after all, was the 'old timer' parent - he had Matthew and Rebecca before our other three, and really had some practical advice.

Pamela graduated, and appeared more with Hannah. I was thrilled that she was on the same wave-length as me and changing their life to a cleaner/simpler earth-wise format. She shared her new cooking methods and new books she was reading with me, and I shared my new love of Feng Shui with her and Robert. All along, Robert was an interested and active participant as he was the stay-at-home parent while Pam worked on her career. I often thought "I want Pam's Life!" as she got to pursue her career dream and Robert did the majority of child care. Robert and I shared laundry tips, housekeeping issues and solutions and home remodel/repair angst.

Then Hannah found a niche - gymnastics! This young lady has a gift from God - her gymnastics ability. I believe she placed 8th on floor exercises in the Junior Olympics last year! Robert and Pam were amazed and humbled by Hannah's abilities. And, unbelievably, were not the typical 'stage parents' - I had to pry Hannah stories out of them.

This past summer, we made it to Chicago twice - me in June for my Godson Peter's high school graduation. I saw Robert and Pam only once as it was a 3 day trip. Luckily the boys and I went to Chicago again in August, and we spent a lot of time with Robert, Pam and Hannah.

Robert's son Matthew spent a good bit of time with us at the lake house and also on a sailing trip. Robert was so delighted in how great Matthew was turning out - in college, centered, and growing into a very good man. ""Any parent would be proud of a guy like Matthew" "He and Hannah are the light of my life" "Matthew is like a 30 year old in a 20 year old's body" and so many great things were expressed by Robert about his children. Stephen, Danusia and I kept Hannah overnight a few times during the August trip to help keep Parker and Ryan entertained. She had a Nintendo DS! She's athletic! For gosh sake, that girl is WORLDLY! The boys were in love with such a great 'cousin'. In fact, I told Parker Tuesday night that Robert had died. He cried and said "Oh, poor Hannah! She is gonna miss that daddy, Mom!" I held him and said "Yes, we will have to be extra kind to Hannah when we see her." The first thing Parker said to Ryan when they got up the next morning and Parker crawled into bed with Ryan and me (Ryan always gets up first and crawls in bed with us) was "Ryan, you know Hannah, that girl with the DS in Chicago? Her daddy died yesterday." Ryan said "Oh gosh, that it awful. That poor girl. Are we going to Chicago, Mom?" I said I didn't know.

Stephen, Robert and I went out to dinner at Carnivale and I maybe had the best dinner in recent memory. Robert was so fun at that dinner. We shared some stories and he planned a winter trip to bring Pam and Hannah to see us in Colorado. You were going to visit us! You promised!

Robert, I am so astonished - you had never looked better or happier in your life the last time I saw you. You had a great life. You gave it up.

The priest says your death is the very definition of someone stepping outside of themselves, being 'beside themselves with anguish'. Never in a million years did anyone of us see it coming. I will never understand why you killed yourself. I just hope your wife and children can forgive you one day. I don't know if I can.

Remembering Robert

My dear friend Robert died yesterday. He leaves behind a wife and three children.

I still cannot believe it.

The first time I met Robert was at the wedding of his older sister, Carole. This was a wedding of great pageantry and many people; I was attending as a guest of his brother Stephen, and remember that as one of the best events I've ever been to. All of Robert's brothers, their dates and I went out on the town in New York City for days. It would be completely honest to say I was in NYC for 4 days and 1 night as I only slept one night! It was 1987, I think.

Robert was then married to his first wife and didn't have children yet. Twenty years ago brought forth his first child, Matthew and a few years after that his daughter Rebecca was born. I kept up with Robert through Stephen (who has been one of my best friends for over 25 years, after we decided that being romantic wasn't working for us, but being very good friends was a great idea).

The next time I saw Robert was at his brother Stephen's wedding in Chicago, another over-the-top event where six different friends stayed at a lake property outside of Chicago and ended up having a Big Chill kind of stay, complete with running, drinking and soul searching. I remember being glad to run into Robert and his wife at each party for Stephen's wedding and at the many casual events at the lake property, which Robert, Stephen and their siblings had inherited after their parents' deaths in the 1980's.

Stephen and his dear wife, Danusia, became my best friends over the years since their wedding. I have spent Christmas holidays at their home, as well as many weeks in summer and fall and am their children's unofficial GodMother. Each time I went to Chicago to see Stephen and Danusia, Robert was featured in some part of the trip. I grew to love his quiet humor, his exacting and careful methodology and his very calm and loving demeanor.

The only time I saw Robert seething with anger was when his first marriage disintegrated and the circumstances surrounding it. During those years, I saw a lot more of Robert when I visited Chicago to spend time with Stephen, Danusia and their boys. Sometimes Robert would have his two children with him, sometimes he would not. I remember thinking what a great daddy he was; how he spent quality time with those children and kept them shielded a bit where he could. One year I must've gone to Chicago five times, and Robert usually made an appearance a time or two while I was there. Sometimes other friends from the Big Chill weekend of Stephen and Danusia's wedding would fly in, and it would be an incredibly wonderful time. If it was summer, Robert would get out his boat, and take us all out for either motorboat tours on their local lakes or long sailboat excursions on Lake Michigan. I brought my niece a few times, and she was always thrilled when "Uncle Robert" showed up.

Robert met his second wife, Pam, on a sailing trip. I think Pam is 15 years younger than Robert. I adored Pam when I met her! A bunch of us had gone to a great Chicago restaurant, and Pam was glowing about her upcoming wedding. Robert was completely in love with Pam, and I envied them that kind of obvious devotion and happiness. I was in a relationship with my husband at that time, but we were still in the rocky 'figuring it out' period that frequently tanked other relationships in my past. I had been married once, divorced early and thought I would never marry again. But I still envied people who were planning a life together - it's what we;re supposed to do, right?!

I did not attend Robert and Pam's small wedding. Now I can't remember why, but I think it was a financial decision - my early 40's were lean years for me. I saw them frequently after that - nearly always at the big lake house, sometimes at holiday celebrations and I grew to love Pam as a good friend. They visited Ken and I in Colorado, and I continued to go to Chicago frequently, too. I always made a point of including Robert and Pam in any events we had in Chicago. (Chicago is all about huge parties when I visit - I like to cook for crowds.)

We were at Robert and Pam's Lake Geneva vacation home when Robert and Pam announced that they were expecting a baby in 6 months - and I was thrilled for them. Robert's children with his first wife were there, and were so excited about the news.

The next time I saw Robert and Pam, their beautiful baby was 4 months old. I had gotten married in the meantime, and has suffered a pretty bad miscarriage 2 months earlier. Some of the pictures I treasure are photos of Robert, Pam and myself with their lovely dauther, Hannah. Robert was so concerned that it would be hard for me to hold Hannah when I had suffered such a loss, and that made me cry - not holding his delicious baby girl, but his concern for my feelings.

I can't write any more. I am cryinig too hard. Good night and I'll finish tomorrow.